Chinadopt: Adopting Children From China 

Adopting An Older Child (updated as of 2000/07/05)

Subject: Hurray for older child referrals!

I want the T - - - 's and P - - - 's to know that we are so happy about your referrals and that we do congratulate you on your willingness to open your lives to older children. It is a very hard decision to make.

Not one of us wants to miss any more of our child's life than we absolutely must. To think that the first four or five years have gone by without us is a hard thing to swallow. We were originally referred a child who was almost four. Her name was FuMei. What a shocker! We immediately said yes but I kept thinking, "That's not what I wanted. I feel so jealous of others getting babies! That's not fair that I don't get to be with her as a baby."

Its hard to admit that I really had these feelings but I sure did. Finally, I thought about what SHE could be thinking about the way her life had turned out. Could she be feeling, "Being in an orphanage at four is NOT what I wanted! I am so jealous of all the babies going. That's not fair that I didn't get to be with my Mommy and Daddy when I was a baby." I had to admit that her road was much longer and rockier than mine. We get tired and frustrated of waiting in line and almost want to do the "screaming and pulling out our hair dance" when someone else in line after us gets the referral, the travel, the wonderful infant. How long has A been in line? The full five young years of her life! (I'm not sure about B) Don't you think you would be feeling out of sorts if you had to wait in line for FIVE years and everyone cut in line ahead of you? Pretty sobering, huh!

I was heartbroken when after five months of planning for and dreaming about FuMei we learned that her birth parents had come for her. I still have her enlarged color referral picture sitting here next to my monitor. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her. I can't bring myself to put away her picture or the memory of her. She is like my little special friend. I know I would have loved seeing her first smile, getting my first sweet kiss from her and would have been delighted to hear "I love you Mama" come from her lips the first time. I would have gotten to see all the "firsts" but they would have come much faster.

How many of you can remember your life when you were two, three, or even four? How can be deny a child a home who is still so young that she is before memory? I know we all worry about attachment and the psyche being wounded by the length of time a child is institutionalized. Those problems are real BUT so are these children. I applaud those who are in a situation to be able to take on the adventure of adopting an older child. (I realize that everyone has different needs and limitations that prevent them from doing this. I am not pointing fingers, I am sharing my view.)

Again, hurray for A and B and all the others who are finally getting their turn in line! We can't wait for you to come home!

Stefani Mother to Shayna Xiao Ying, Jiangmen CIty, Guangdong, Sept. 18, 1995 and Taisha Fu Yang, Huangshi CIty, Hubei, Jan. 13, 1997. Both adopted at two years old.

SElli6@aol.com 

For all of you who are adopting children who are older than you requested, a message from Steve Forslind who has three daughters from China. I sent him Stephani's e-mail and here is his reply.

Sue Ferrara

Your post was forwarded to me by a friend. What a wonderful letter, and what a wonderful sentiment, Stephanie! On behalf of all parents who've adopted older children, or who may be thinking of doing so, Thank you! We adopted our Tory and our Brittany, now 6, when they were 4.

We recently brought home 11 year old (now 12) Jayne Taomei. Being in our middle 50's, we wouldn't have it any other way, even if we could. Personally, we think we got the better part of the deal; we didn't have to change diapers, potty-train, warm bottles in the middle of the night...... we just got the good stuff, like watching their bulging eyes the first time they saw the ocean, or the mountains, went to the zoo, visited Toys R Us, got their first new doll, watched 'Big Bird in China' on the TV, celebrated their first birthday here.

We get to feel them sitting on our laps as we read to them, and get to hear them ask us to do it again. We get to see them genuinely and thoroughly love the little things we do for them, just because nobody ever did before. And we get to tell them, and they understand, how they're so very special, because we *chose* to have them with us. And every night, as we tuck them into bed, we get to really enjoy the looks of love and gratitude they give us, and the really big hugs. And the tons and tons of kisses. And even more, we get to enjoy their little faces light up as we give them these things back.

We tell everyone we know, and even some we don't, how fabulous it is getting older children. One can't imagine how thrilling it is taking your brand new 11 year old daughter out into the street and playing frisbee with her for the first time in her life, how incredible it is to help her ride her very first bicycle for the first time, a bicycle more beautiful than any she ever dreamed of...... really not anything special, except to her, to whom it's golden and bejeweled... One can't imagine the special glow one feels when *this* happens;

One evening a couple of weeks ago, as is customary, I was sitting at the computer answering adoption related e-mail, when Jayne came downstairs to kiss me goodnight. She had been working on her school project, that of gluing different kinds of seeds onto an outline map of the New Hampshire counties, identifying the counties. She did a very nice job of it. That day marked the end of Jayne's 14th week here in America.

She climbed up into my lap and said goodnight, and gave me her usual squeezy hug. I have a secretary's chair, and I like to rock her quietly for a minute or two as I gently rub her back, and we just enjoy each other's company for a few moments, and 'bond'. This is one of my favorite parts of the day, of course, and I relish these moments. I quietly told her, "Thank you for coming to America." She sat back, looked me in the eye, and with the biggest, sweetest, honeyest puppy eyes, said "Thank you for family." I then got three ribs nearly cracked as she hugged me like a boa constrictor. I had difficulty breathing.

Having spent 10 of her 12 years in an orphanage, she knows how wonderful it is, and how very special it is, and what it means to a lonely orphan, to have a family. The pure joy she brings into our lives is indescribable. The sheer joy of having finally gotten a real family to love and cherish, and to share her life with, is almost more than she can contain.

What a shame it is that so many people only find the meaning 'infant' synonymous with the word 'adoption'. What a shame more people can't experience the thrill of giving the gift of opportunity to a deserving child who's old enough to realize how very special that gift is. Jayne Taomei's 4th grade teacher has written us notes almost every week, telling us how wonderful and pleasing and deeply gratifying it is to have a student in her class who is hungry and eager to learn, and who's just thrilled to be there.

Jayne Taomei and her little sisters bring immeasurable happiness into our lives. All we did for them is give them love, and an opportunity to be anything they want to be. Carol and I know we got the better end of the deal.

-- Steve --
 

A Novemeber 1999 exchange, courtesy of Laura Cecere:

Dear Laura,

I read your note re: how children are matched to prospective families. I am extremely overwhelmed by the number of agencies to choose from.  I am [over 40] and my husband, a physician, is [over 40].  We have a 2 ½ year old daughter together and I have a 10 year old daughter and two adult children away at college.  We have discussed adopting a toddler who will grow up along with ours, however, my husband (a psychiatrist) has concerns about the older child and difficulty bonding.  I am hopeful that we will be able to adopt in light of having biological children, and would be thrilled with a 2 or 3 year old.

Please advise if you are able!

Thank you,
 
Cxxxx

From: Laura [mailto:cecere@law.harvard.edu]
Sent: Thursday, November 04, 1999 1:27 PM
Cc: ehume@pshrink.com
Subject: Re: China adoption

Hi, Cxxxxx.

First off, let me assure you that no matter which agency you choose (1) you will end up with the same type child and (2) six months after your adoption, you won’t even remember which agency you used.  So, don’t kill yourself over the agency issue.
I am the adoptive parent of an 8 year old (adopted at 13 months) and a 2 and ¾ year old (adopted at 18 months).  I can tell from personal experience and from seven years of helping people adopt children of all ages from China that the toddlers do marvelously!  They are loved and given great affection and attention in the orphanages in China and so have no problem bonding almost immediately when they are adopted (usually anywhere from immediately to 2 days afterwards).  I can give you the names and numbers of families who have adopted children this age for you to talk about their experiences first hand, if you would like.  Their only problems tend to be a temporary developmental delay, typically due to restricted movement in the orphanage and no access to gross or fine motor play.  This delay is usually overcome anywhere from one month to six months, but usually within two months or so.

My second reaction is that if you can handle two toddlers at one time, go for it.  There is a good five years between my two girls and it is far too large.  They have a lot of trouble playing together or even relating to each other, although of course the older one is a big help to me on occasion.  In retrospect, I often wonder how it would have been to have them closer in age to be able to play together and enjoy each other’s company.

I think your idea is a sound one and very workable.  I totally understand your husband’s concerns about this age, but China is like no other country sending orphans for adoption that I am familiar with in the consistent good condition, physically and emotionally, of the children it sends to us.  (They pick only the best from each orphanage for foreign adoption, which I suspect has a lot to do with it too.)
. . .
Laura

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