Edward S. Hume, M.D., J.D.:Chinadopt
The Home Study
and other perils of the application process(updated 2001/01/26)
[Note: new regulations adopted by the CCAA
(the Chinese agency that governs adoptions) has made some very specific
regulations concerning home studies. See the FCC
website for up-to-date information]
From: AMReading@aol.com
Date: 96-03-29 18:55:56 EST
Several points:
1. both my husband and I were divorced more than once and we had to provide to INS and to our homestudy agency state issued copies of our divorce decrees. We did not have to show or give these documents to our adoption agency and they were not included in the dossier. We live in NJ - this whole business of which documents are required could also be related to the state in which you reside.
2. having raised two children from my first marriage who are now 28 and 25, I can attest to what Steve Forslind said -- having the privilege of raising children of any age is a very special. Each year of a child's life is joyous to observe and be a part of (even teens) so don't dwell on what you missed but relish what you've gained.
4. Homestudies: I always do all sorts of things to 'prepare' myself for a new endeavor, so in preparation for adoption I read several books on adoption and a couple of them had good sections on what the homestudy process is like. In one of the books there was a list of questions that we might be asked. Having had some major bad experience with the writing and memory ability of some mental health professionals (this is NOT a slur on the whole profession), I knew that I would feel much more comfortable if we gave the homestudy social worker our 'autobiographies' in writing -- then at least the facts should be correct. I think some agencies require this -- ours did not.
So that's what we did -- wrote autobiographies framed around that list of questions. It started off being an exercise to make sure our facts would be accurate in the homestudy report, but it turned into a thought-provoking, enlightening and valuable experience that I think helped us a lot through the whole adoption process (or at least to this stage -- we're in 'waiting' now).
It was a very good thing to do. I found that by putting my thoughts, my feelings and my hopes into writing, I became much clearer about what I want, what I know I will be sacrificing and also what I will gain from adopting. It made us both think even more carefully about why do we really want to adopt, especially since we both have bio children from previous marriages and are in our late 40's, so why would we want to start again. (and we were asked that question -- so we were much more prepared to give a logical and thoughtful answer). Then the exercise also helped me value even more our relationship and what we have to offer each other, our 2 grown children, our 7 year old and now a new one -- and I know that came across very strongly to our social worker and I'm not sure that would have been so if we had not done our autobiographies. Helped us also remember all the positives in our lives -- as children growing up and as adults -- which helped us give the social worker an accurate picture of who we are as people, what we value, etc.
And even though we had a social worker who did not ask many of the questions on that list -- we were MUCH more comfortable during the homestudy visits. We did give her our two autobiographies -- she was very grateful -- we even offered to give them to her on diskette but she's not computer literate so declined. I think that we made her job easier for her too. The homestudy process was much, much, much easier than I thought it would be.
My advice is relax, be yourselves, don't be afraid to enjoy your homestudy visits and don't be afraid to laugh with and at each other too! By the way I cleaned the house like crazy before both visits and then the social worker wasn't even interested in taking a tour!! Oh well, the house needed the cleaning anyway!
Good luck to all of you.
Martha in NJ
AMReading@aol.com
From:
owner-a-parents-china@shore.net on behalf of AMReading@aol.com
Sent: Monday, April 01, 1996 10:30 AM
To: a-parents-china@shore.net
Subject: homestudy autobiographies
The other day I posted a message about my and my husband's experiences with our homestudy and told you all about us writing autobiographies which we then gave to our social worker. I received an e-mail which made me think that I should comment further on what we wrote. The concern expressed was that it is important to be careful about what you spill on paper, that you don't want to write anything that could be used against you and I agree. So to clarify, while we were writing our very up-beat and positive autobiographies we were doing a lot of thinking and talking about the questions we thought might be asked of us, however, we absolutely did not put anything negative or anything that could be unfavorably misinterpreted in our autobiographies. We mostly stuck to very factual information -- e.g., we both have two brothers, have two kids, we have a solid community of friends and relatives who support our adoption plans, etc. I think it would be totally amazing if those of us choosing to adopt didn't have some doubts at some time or another in the process -- can I do this, will I be able to bond with my adopted child, will the adopted child be able to bond with me, etc., etc. While many of these doubts/questions are very normal I think it is best to leave that sort of discussion OUT of your written autobiography and not to bring them up in your homestudy unless you are asked and even then be careful. You don't want to come across as being too shaky or nervous about dealing with adoption and child rearing issues. I'll give you a personal concern of ours -- will we have enough energy to take care of another little one? Now I know I don't have the same energy at age 48 that I did when I had two children at age 23, but did I put that kind of thing in my autobiography - NO. Why should I raise questions for our social worker to be concerned about? Also, even though both of us have had some hard knocks we did not go into them in the autobiographies -- we were open in the face-to-face visits but did not want some stuff in writing.
One more thing. If you have had some sort of trouble in your life it is best to be open about it. Without going into detail my husband's former wife has made our lives very, very difficult the last 4 years and we were very up front with our adoption agency and our homestudy agency about these difficulties. Thank goodness we did. We just found out Friday night that his former wife who is having fits that we are adopting (we are doing something that she can't do -- giving her daughter a little sister and creating even more of a family for her), wrote to our adoption agency to try to cause trouble. But because we had been so open, our agency called us to tell us but said not to worry because we had been so open with them. If we had not been so open our adoption could be in jeopardy.
As I said in my previous post the homestudy process was much easier than we thought it would be. We enjoyed ourselves, laughed a lot, were serious too. The second visit was planned so she could meet my stepdaughter, who had just played a puppy in a church play. Well, that puppy had to do a lot of barking in the play. So guess what? this little 2nd grader proceeded to bark at the social worker when her dad introduced her. Then my 25 year old son came home and our little girl turns to the social worker and looks at Michael and says with her finger pointing at him "He's my annoying big brother!" The funny thing about that is that she adores Michael and has since she first met him.
Well, we all really laughed. Then the phone wouldn't stop ringing and one person (former wife) was insistent on talking to my husband even though my son told her we had company. Then hubby had to take daughter back to her mother's in the middle of the visit. Somehow in spite of the fact that I felt that this visit resembled a 3-ring circus, the social worker took it all in stride, and as she was walking out our door that night told us to call her when we bring our new daughter home, then she wrote a really wonderful report on us.
Any questions just e-mail me and I'll be glad to reply.
Martha
AMReading@aol.com