These are the nice suggestions. If you want rude, you'll just have to hang around the e-mail list (the net term is "lurking"), or try a usenet or newsgroup.
Why nice? Because you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Susan Caughman 3/9/96
>"What great people you are to take this poor little child into your home."
What a great child this is to come to our poor little home.
>"How much did she/he cost?"
She's priceless. Why do you ask? (just in case they're potential A-parents)
>"I could never adopt. I just couldn't love a child that's not my own."
Fortunately, this is our child and we love her.
>"I would like to adopt, but I don't think I could be comfortable with a child of a different race."
Fortunately for us, the only children available are from the human race.
> "I would love to adopt a little (identify country) baby, but my relatives are just too prejudiced."
No answer for this one - hmmm, any suggestions?
Our home study agency was very good about covering this and preparing us...
Dan
[Ed here. My own response to "my relatives are too prejudiced" would be to let it go with, "Gee. That's too bad." They obviously don't really want to adopt a child and are simply making conversation.]
It is hard to be the only Asian kid in the neighborhood! And the questions that intelligent adults ask (usually in front of the child) are mindboggling! When someone makes a less than sensitive remark, I usually respond "Ouch" Most people don't really mean to be hurtful.
Anyway, it gets my point across and leaves the door open to "educate the masses" Sometimes, I get really tired of it all and I know my 11year old (Korean-born) does too!
This is why I think support groups are so valuable! It lets our kids see that other families are built just like theirs! I also make sure we go to Korea Camp. Mainly so that my child gets to be part of a majority group. If she learns anything about Korea, thats a plus! I feel the same way about China Camps as well! We are fortunate that we have all these experienced Korean adoptive families to learn from.
Holt has a Heritage Camp each summer in OR and NJ for international adoptees (you do NOT have to be a Holt family or Korean to attend). The unique thing about these camps is that EVERYONE is an adoptee. The campers, of course, but also the counselors, the nurse, the director and so on. It has been a wonderful experience for my daughter. She is going back for her third year! As I am not an adoptee, nor am I a minority, there are some things that she will experience that I cannot help her with. Camp offers her a chance to explore some of these issues with folks who have "been there". And it is a whole lot of fun!
Are there other camps out there like this? I sure hope so!
Jackie
[Ed here again --- We belong to a groups of adoptive families. Periodically we all meet for a big social occasion. The kids --- a-kids and b-kids --- all play together. Most are a-kids, and I think they get a sense that being adopted is not a rare thing. Further, I think they see that adopted children come from everywhere, including the U.S. I believe that this will help my daughter (and the other kids) see that she was not somehow singled out for abandonment; and that abandonment occurs in many countries --- not just the one she came from.]
I think it is important to not refer to our kids as "adopted". (Such as "she is adopted".) Our daughter WAS adopted on November 24, 1994. Now she is our daughter. Our boys were born to us; we don't refer to them as "our boys who are born." "Adoption" and "birth" are terms that describe the ways that children enter families. They are not descriptive terms about our children.
It's a fairly easy thing to deal with when someone asks me if my daughter is adopted; I just tell them she was adopted in 1994.
Sherri
From: liedtke@indtech.it.ilstu.edu
Sent: Monday, March 11, 1996 11:55 AM
Subject: reactions in public
I found an effective way to eliminate the stupid grocery store questions...yes it seemed that every time we went to the store people would ask the dumbest and inconsiderate questions (again innocent curiousity)... After having my daughter in my home for a year I wrote an article for the local newspaper for the "women's section" and highlight the process of China adoption versus telling specifically about my daughter's life there. It worked. People now know who we are (in a town of 100,000) and don't ask crazy questions or make dumb remarks - they do ask for helpful information for their adoption process or come up to tell us about their adopted children!! It has been a real plus.
By writing the story myself I had control over what was placed in the newspaper versus some reporter who might not edit or rely information as it should be done.
Maybe give this a try (it won't stop the little children but it sure
does help to educate adults!).
From: Ray & Mary Schmidt
Sent: Saturday, March 16, 1996 10:05 AM
Subject: negative family reactions
My mother-in-law's first words to me after our (bio)daughter was born were "Are you disappointed it's not a boy?"!!! Some people are just difficult. Don't let them get you down.
I thought it might help others to know that [this] happens in non-adoptive situations too. I might add that this was our first child, so it wasn't that we already had several girls. I have not told her that we are planning to adopt a girl from China. I'll tell her when I have to!
Ray & Mary Schmidt <rschmidt@greenapple.com>
From: Dwasserba@aol.com
Sent: Thursday, March 28, 1996 11:28 AM
Subject: Re: Unhappy Experience
In a message dated 96-03-25 07:56:59 EST, Steve wrote:
Now, when I receive stupid questions like "Whose child is this?", or "Are you the baby sitter?", et. al., my answer will be "I dunno. We found her on our back patio one morning." OR "No she's ours. We saw an ad on the back of a box of Cheerios. The mail man brought her yesterday." OR "She was being raised by a pack of wolves, but they got tired of her pulling their tails.". . .Stupidity deserves stupidity. But do it with a straight face and act serious.
I usually can only answer e-mail on Wednesdays but I was so "struck" by this good-hearted paragraph of Steve's, I'm typing with an eye on the clock. I thought about e-mailing privately, but I'm hoping I can phrase this so as not to offend people who might consider this approach. I believe I understand where Steve's "coming from" and where his heart is, and I *hope* that I'm not so conceited that I'm not open to others' points of view. But, that said - I grew up with people with good hearts (here we go again: I'm adopted) and heard many a "remark" re my "different" appearance (which, in their case, was accidental and not something they were prepared to deal with). As it turned out, I share their ethnic heritage - but theirs is with the heavy accent on German; mine, with the accent on Irish. I'm green-eyed in a blue-eyed family - I was blue-eyed at first. People don't realize I'm left-handed unless I hand-write. I'm largely ambidextrous. This is helpful sometimes. Perhaps I was meant to be that way? Perhaps it was because in the 50's, *right*-handedness was "encouraged" - but despite their best efforts, my stubborn left-handedness survived. I developed learning problems. Perhaps related to that experience of "exercises"? One possibility. Hard to know as I have no "control group"! Now it sounds odd, discouraging a person from being left-handed. You didn't have to be adopted to experience it. It was standard practice. But for an adopted kid it takes on the meaning of "wrong", when "everyone" in their world is right-handed and handing things to them until *they* are right-handed too. I don't remember it. Just the story about how they "tried" and then gave up: I was so "determined". I use this example so that you can see the contrast between the adult viewpoint (positive: this kid's got determination!) and the child's (negative: why can't I be right-handed like they want?) Later, my folks bought me left-handed scissors (acceptance). By then, of course, as lefties do, I had adjusted to "real" scissors and thought left-handed scissors felt awkward!
Anyway: In an era where information wasn't volunteered, sometimes not even to close neighbors (it could hurt me)... I wanted to explain that while I'm not Asian, and "we all look different" as we say in my a.family (different hair colors, mine is curly-curly copper red), Holly van Gulden, author of "Real Parents, Real Children" explains that even if I'd had brown or blonde hair, people instinctively sense when "features" differ and questions arise. As a matter of fact, when Holly spoke at the Resolve conference, she twice used the example of red hair as one way an a.kid could "stand out". No kidding, I thought. I have a blonde sister and a brunette sister; b.kids. Sometimes people said, "Gosh! One of each!" More often they said, "Where'd she get that red hair?" I thought, "How come they never ask, where'd you get the brunette/blonde hair?" I wasn't from a "talking about it" generation, or an "encourage them to talk about it" generation. It happened, and happened; we answered sometimes, ignored it sometimes. Adults did not ask children's opinions of their responses, which formerly-private opinions are part of who I am today - and why I am going on endlessly here about a topic that is somewhat uncomfortable and difficult to explain to a world that has said to me, "But your sisters look different from each other, also". I can't argue that. One looks like mom. One looks like dad.
My problem: I did not understand adult sarcasm/humor of the type Steve suggests. I'm sure those responses "make the point" with adults. I'm not sure how a child would interpret them. Yep, children vary. I was puzzled when people asked direct questions and cute or "deflecting" answers were given. "Where did she get the red hair?/ God gave it to her!" Press on and the subject changes. What does this mean? To adults it means: MYOB. To this child it meant, "I'm different from my sisters and it's a secret." An Asian child in a Caucasian family is no secret. But I wonder if sophisticated answers they won't understand to questions they *will* understand, won't result in the same puzzled "what's wrong with adoption?" kind of feeling I remember? I couldn't comprehend that I was being kept "safe" from something, though I understand that now. Why is a question that shows interest in me, treated like a joke? Am I a joke? I don't get it...
I hope that you can see that in other posts, I actually do have a sense of humor. Maybe it's mine by rights. Maybe I developed it out of self-defense. Life's hard on a gal with "natural clown hair"; we moved to a small town where *nobody* had hair like this, and I was the tallest girl I ever knew except for one. This was not regarded as a "plus" either. I have lived "Caucasian other-ness" in an era when trying to open the subject led to being led away from it. Part of what I've found so reassuring about trying to prepare myself for adopting is to find that (1) there are so many resources for a.parents, there is a smorgasboard of support to choose from and (2) people know so much more about "what it's like" to be an adopted child even if they're not. Without realizing these two things, knowing what I know - I don't think I'd have ever had the courage to adopt! I *wish* I were joking!
Thanks for listening, Deb
Dwasserba@aol.com
[As a counterpoint to this story read about how Banni Hughes' grandparents handled the situation --- Ed]
Sent: Thursday, April 11, 1996 10:41 PM
Subject: On Race and Prejudice
My wife and I both are 2nd generation American born Chinese and grew up in Long Island suburbia. We only met 5 years ago. We each grew up in towns that were 99% White. My wife claims never to have encountered any prejudice or discrimination to the best of her recollection. She and her sisters were in fact very popular throughout their school years. I grew up in an Ozzie and Harriet type of environment, we had 1 Black and 1 Hispanic family in my town. I did not experience any overt prejudice. As I progressed to church, new schools, little league, Boy scouts, I may have encountered a few racial comments or childish taunts, but as soon as the other children came to know me as a person they became color blind. Many friends used to come to my defense before I could utter a word when a stranger would start taunting me. I was accepted throughout the stages of my chidhood and felt like an ambassador of Chinese culture to the homogenous masses. Sometimes, especially during a period in my adolescence, I felt different and uneasy, sometimes wondering why I was born different from all my friends. I got throught those diificult times unscathed. It took alot of counseling and nurturing from my parents when I used to get frustrated or hurt by some incident. They taught me that there were alternatives to losing my cool and resorting to violence. Sure at times I had to bite my lip, and there were times when I lost control, but overall I learned how to handle situations and to "educate" the ignorant and their bigoted attitudes. Of course I knew that some bigots would never change or are really not worth the effort, and one can't be liked by everyone they meet. I picked my friends very carefully. The family of one of my best friends since we were 5 yo was not prejudiced but perhaps insenstive. They would always refer to Chinese food as *Chinks* even in my family's presence. They are good people and really meant no harm. With gentle but consistent prodding, my friend learned how the word was truly offensive to me and he changed his family's awareness and consideration. We were still in grade school then.
Although my parents would have preferred otherwise, I never dated Asian girls throughout high school or after that. My sense of Chinese heritage and culture never diminished, but I was a typical American suburban teenager, a product of both environments.
Although you may not realize it, you will experience infinitely more positive reactions to your new addition than negative. Your daughters may encounter some prejudice as they go through life, but many people do. Your families may be gawked at or may encounter awkward comments and questions, but such is life. Don't worry, through it all you will survive. You may even be better people with stronger character, better insight and more compassion because of it. You will communicate better and be less dysfunctional than many others. And, you won't have to try too hard, it will come naturally. You won't be alone,you will have plenty of support-from us here in the list, from friends and family, and most importantly from inside yourselves. We humans have a certain amount of resilency built in! I can go on and on here, but I'll spare you. Good luck out there!
Jeff
China's Children
Dossier sent to China 3/22
irenegad@pipeline.com (J. Hor)
Susan Caughman 3/9/96