Edward S. Hume, M.D., J.D.: Chinadopt
Telling your
Child the Adoption Story
Updated 4/1/96
FAQ: What do we tell our kids about how they came to be with us?
from Sue Ferrara:
I have been telling Mei's adoption story to other children, especially the children in my older daughter's school. (This week someone wanted to know about Mei's real mom --- I said I am her real mom!) I too had the very same question about the birth parents. What do you say without diminishing them in the eyes of everyone.
A friend, who is also an adoptive parent, told me that she tells her son that his mother wasn't ready to take care of any baby, so that her son doesn't feel as though the abandonment was specific to him. And so when I talk to the children about Mei's mom, I tell them for whatever reason, she could not take care of a baby. And so when Mei came along she was brave enough to leave Mei where she would be found so that she would have a family.
I truly believe that Chinese moms are VERY BRAVE when they abandon their children and I intend to tell Mei that. I also want Mei to know how much I love her mother for being so brave, otherwise, Mei would not have come to us.
I also tell the children about the Chinese law of one child, but that usually leads to questions about Mei's siblings and other things for which I have no answer.
My spiritual side has grown from this adoption. I truly believe that God spared Mei from death for a reason (for being abandoned on a doorstep, in February, as an infant, is almost sure death). She is truly a gift and in a way, like the relationship with Mary, Joseph and Jesus, my husband and I will only have Mei for 18 short years before she goes on her way to whatever it is she is supposed to do. I feel the same way about Katy. I don't see either child as a possession, but as treasures to raise and care for until the time comes that they are meant to go off on their own.
What I wonder is how will the adoption story affect our daughters when they become sexual beings and we talk with them about the risks of pregnancy? Will they then wonder if they were the result of a night of fun?
And then, sometimes I think we can think too much about these things and worry up worries that may never be. While we were waiting to travel, another friend of mine asked her adult son (adopted from Korea in the 50s) if he ever wondered about his birth mother, or Korea, or any of the zillions of things we think our children will wonder about. And he said, "No. I knew who my parents were; they were you and dad."
Creating an adoption book:
To create an adoption story book, I just sort of followed an outline my (wonderful) social worker gave me.
I used a photo album and prayed it with clear lacquer so sticky fingers would not mess it. I used album picture pages, again so there is a sheet of plastic between the pictures and the fingers ( and so I can add stuff when inspired).
I named it "Hannah Comes Home". I used a combination of photos, images from magazines, parts of "baby shower" cards, and some origami paper which is colorful and oriental looking. If you are more artistic than I can draw, but I have to rely on what I can find pre-drawn.
The gist of the outline is to start with a picture of the child's "forever" family. Then there is a picture of her parents before adoption (looking so relaxed, saying "We wanted a baby very much."
Next is the caption "Hannah was born in China" and a map of China and some Chinese mementos.
Then the referral picture and a caption saying "Here is the first picture we ever saw of you". Then a picture of the first meeting and a caption that reads "We were so happy to finally meet you! We named you _______".
We included some pictures of people who took care of her in China, and the caption "Here are some people who took care of you in China. They called you Chen Huling."
Next are some pictures of airplanes, and a picture of us traveling home and a caption that says "Mama and Papa and Hannah flew home in a big airplane."
Next "When we got home we had a big party. Everyone came and brought you presents."
Now more pictures of the present day family (which for us includes a second child) and the caption "Now we are a family forever, papa and mama and Hannah and Zoe."
Then I added a number of blank pages and explained to her that she may want to add to the story her own pictures or words, and that these are pages for her to do that.
She loves it. She shows it to everyone and has it memorized.
We gave it to her when she was about 3.5 --- though it could have been sooner, I just didn't get it together until then.
Enjoy.
Patricia
From: Dwasserba@aol.com
Sent: Friday, March 29, 1996 12:59 AM
Subject: Re: Birthmothers, False Hope
Hi, Susan! In a message dated 96-03-28 13:46:53 EST:
3) We only have the word of the foster mother about Mei's abandonment and
that information is sketchy. [snip]
Hey! This is a *lot*! A live person who knew her "when"! Just that she exists will make Mei's past less a "void" and more like a pesky shadow. All the information I had until last fall was the name of an orphanage that I was mis-spelling. While I'm starting to realize that not all international parents are "hoping" for a route toward gaining more personal information in the future as I am (for reasons that are practical as well as emotional), I was as "nobody" as a person could be, "untraceable"; someone who was told she would "never" have information. That's all I'm saying. My orphanage closed around 1970 and no longer exists. Perhaps these children can return to a doorway, an office, a police station where their mothers left them, to lose some of that feeling of never having existed before adoption. I can't. The loss is hard to describe to people who can trace themselves back at least to grandparents. I can't help "hoping" for the future because my perspective is the end result of just - living! Where does one begin searching for records that were stored with the idea that "they will never be needed?" I couldn't have guessed "where" in a million years - quite accidentally I found out (Internet) - that records were stored in another city's convent. Someone used a bulletin board to lament about being untraceable: and she was from "my" orphanage! I was all set to e-mail "commiserate" when I read on-down the list. Bingo!! They gave her an address and I wrote, too. That is another story. It's mine, and I was never to know what it was. That was the "deal" struck in 1952; when dinosaurs ruled the earth.
>With any luck, Mei will get to meet her foster mother. We have her address and we send pictures and clothes. [snip]
This is *great*! Maintaining contact, wow! I know you meant to disagree with me, but this is wonderful, and brave! What an unselfish gift, to keep in touch with someone who might tell Mei more of her "story"! What you have done and are willing to do, puts Mei "in context" in a way I haven't, and probably won't, experience. No hope, "false" or otherwise, was part of my experience and yet, guess what. I hoped anyway. That's all. Some times what others won't "give" we claim for ourselves. I never "met" any b.family. I don't know where they are; even who they are. Yet, reading my "story" I was shocked at how I suddenly felt "complete", fake names and all. Afterward, it overwhelmed me to realize how I might have lived my whole life without that feeling, with only the hope instead of the facts - and boy, the facts felt *better*!!! For the 35+ years previous, I cherished the hope, such as it was, unstated, assuredly false, and mine alone. Frankly: company would've been better on that long, long journey. It might have led to sharing, and celebration, instead of nervously confiding in one (1) sister by phone and that's it... I like to think it still might, for somebody else. If it's a false hope, then at least I'm on familiar ground, and the someone-else won't have to know how lonely it can be.
Deb
My grandparents adopted a child, when I was a child. She was obviously adopted because of the age of my grandparents. In addition she has very blond hair in a family of brunettes.
This is what my wise grandparents did. They told her (over and over again) that her birth mother couldn't take care of her but because she loved her sooooo much, she gave her up for adoption. And Moma and Daddy loved her sooooo much that they adopted her.
This little girl, had this "down pack" from the time she was a toddler and told everyone this little speech in her little squeaky voice. She never gave anyone a chance to ask if she were adopted - she told them.
Today she seems to be a happy, talented, successful woman. She is my aunt although she is about 10 years younger than I am.
I know every child is different. But I definitely plan to use my grandparents approach since it seemed successful.
Banni
Banni Hughes <banni@nour.phx.mcd.mot.com>