Edward S. Hume, M.D., J.D.: Chinadopt
Working through
the issues
updated 5/1/96
From: Carl & Anne Nord
Sent: Friday, April 05, 1996 9:03 AM
Subject: RE: Looking Different
Dear Becky: One of the first things we learned in this process is it is important for *you* to decide what you're comfortable with --- Of the many pre adoption meetings we attended, the best advice I heard was not to look at pictures of young children or babies, when deciding they are almost always cute and lovable. Go look at teenagers and adults from the race, area etc. you are considering. How do you react in your gut ? How do you feel about people who "look like that" Your child will look like that longer then she/he will be a cute baby and you should feel comfortable with your reaction. Because you feel uncomfortable about the way a certain race feels does not make you a bigot. But you should appreciate what you feel. On the other hand she/he quickly becomes your child. When we had been home for a month or so we went to a local place for a quick bite to eat. (I am a large white male with black(grey) hair and my wife is fair skinned and blonde) Our new Chinese daughter was with us in her car seat eating baby toast. A very nice couple came over and said "What a beautiful baby, When did you get her ?" For a moment I actually wondered how did these people know she wasn't ours...In other words she quickly becomes yours...
Carl & Anne Nord <cnord@SNET.Net>
Sent: Wednesday, April 10, 1996 10:58 AM
Subject: Working Through the Issues
This is a wonderful and thought provoking topic. All the issues raised are very valid and we have all probably dealt with each one of these at some point and in our own way. My family is a very jumbled up affair....bio kid, Korean kid, Thai kid, Chinese kid. But mostly we are a family. As the kids are getting older, we have had some very open discussions at the dinner table! WOW! Once a child enters the family, you will raise them as "one of your own people". What else can you do? It's just that the family has changed. Forever. The Szczepaniks used to be VERY Eastern European. Not any more. For always we have changed the face of our families. In our immediate family, we all belong to each other. And so we have always insisted that everybody goes to everybody else's thing. So we all go to the soccer games, the ballet recitals, the horse shows, the culture camps. It's just part of the deal. And so we all learn and have grown and become a multicultural family. We aren't white parents with minority kids. WE are the minority family. And the really neat thing is that after a while, the people who count stop seeing the differences and begin to see the sameness. A friend of mine's daughter had a report to do on Korea. She was relating to me the difficulty they had in locating some info and I asked her why they didn't ask US? She forgot that Kris is Korean. Some of these issues are things that just have to be experienced and learned on the fly! If we waited till we were ready to have a child, we never would! Same with adoption...if we wait till we have all the answers, we'll be way too old! I have mentioned before the wonderful camp that my 11 year old attends each summer for international adoptees. One of the things I appreciate about camp is that issues that I cannot bring up, they can and do! For example, when a teen is whining that their life has been ruined because they are adopted, an adult adoptee can say things that I can't. They have been there! And they pull no punches is having these kids look at the alternatives! Kids are also made aware of the hoops their parents jumped through to get them. I am not going to tell that to my child, because it was so very worth it. BUT, it does not hurt them to know! So, yes, look at all the issues, think them through and then decide if you want another child. That, I think, is the real issue. We aren't saving anyone, NO ONE wants to be a rescue mission! Yes, our families will have issues and challenges that a "traditional" family might not have. But we do our best and know that we have done the right thing. Anyway, no magic words! I don't think there are any. We all come to the decision to adopt from many different places. And ,lucky us, we have each other to share the ups and downs of parenting these wonderful children! Jackie EBXY42B@prodigy.com (MRS JACKIE B SZCZEPANIK)
From: Sue Ferrara
Sent: Wednesday, April 10, 1996 3:11 PM
Subject: RE: Working through the issues
H--'s anguish poured off the computer as I read his posting last night. My first thought was, this person is NOT ready to adopt from another culture. And twenty-four hours later, I am still leaning toward that conclusion.
The first thing that really stood out was the fact that he was adopting from another race. That statement is always puzzling to me, because I see our children as Asian, but not of a different race the way African American is a different race.
Yet, just last night, a friend, who happens to be African American, said of Mei, people adore her now, but what will happen when she's older? She will face so much prejudice.
And, I expect Mei will face some racist attitudes, but then, so did I, and I am an Italian American. I can't tell you all how many times people have called me the "n-word" and have since my days in elementary school.
I too lived in the "new" south and it ain't that new. Who asked if they could touch my curly hair. How many African Americans would tell one another, she's not black, but she's not white either. OK . . . what DOES that make me??
How many times would I meet people on the street and they would say, "Wow, it's great that the radio station finally hired a black female reporter!" Trying not to "pass," I'd say, "Well, I'm really Italian. The response: "Oh, a black Italian like Franco Harris!"
I guess my point is, racism cuts across all sorts of lines. Just look at US History. At one time everyone was hated: the Irish, the Italians, the Jews, the Germans . . . even southern whites face prejudices. How often do they get referred to as "bubbas" or "red-necks?"
The fact is, we all have to learn to live together and we all have to face our prejudices, whether we are a homogenous family, minority family, or whatever kind of family you want to label yourselves. Someone is going to dislike someone for some stupid reason.
We all have to teach our children, Chinese or otherwise, to respect people and appreciate their differences. Parenting is a challenge no matter what the heritage of the child, I continually learn that lesson every single day.
H--, if you are in this much agony, then maybe you should wait. The last thing you need to do is try and raise a child while you have so much inner conflict. Not to sound like a shrink (that's not my line of work!), but with all this "noise" in your head, you deserve a break.
Sue
From: Sue Ferrara
Sent: Thursday, April 11, 1996 9:04 PM
Subject: More on Race
For those of you who have taken offense at my postings on race, let me see if I can redeem myself (not that I'm feeling bad, I just like to be clear.)
I have no problem discussing race. I surely know it is alive and well EVERYWHERE.
Maybe, as I told someone else on the list, I have come to grips with a lot of the issues you all are dealing with because of my experiences in Chapel Hill, NC (which I wrote about in my first post) and in Washington, DC where people I worked with were certain that I was the sister of a black cameraman at ABC News and that was how I got my job.
Well, I am at the point in my life where if people want to judge me by how I look, that's their problem. I have been followed around more department stores than you can imagine. I now look at the salesclerk and basically say: Do you have a problem with my being in your store??
I learned a very valuable lesson from a guy I date in Chapel Hill. James Peace, who is by now, James Peace, MD, grew up in a well established southern black family. His dad was the vice principal at the high school and I spent my first Chapel Hill Thanksgiving at the home of the Peace family learning the lessons black children learn in the south. The biggest lesson: PICK AND CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES.
As James and his dad would tell me, you can't fix everything or change everybody's mind, so fix the things you can and ignore the fools.
Sue
From: rstevens.DOMAIN1
Sent: Wednesday, April 10, 1996 7:39 PM
Subject: H--'s Questions Sign of a Good Parent
Dear Sue,
In response to Harlan's questions, you responded that perhaps he ought not to go through with this adoption.
With respect to you, Sue, because I feel like I know you and I look forward to your messages, I beg to differ. It is people like Harlan, who have taken the risk of thinking through race issues thoroughly, who are likely to make the best adoptive parents. I worry about the folks who don't ask these questions, who think everything's going to be okay. No matter whether we think of our daughters as racially different, American society WILL see our children as different, and our daughters will have a burden of identity placed upon them. And no amount of love and goodwill can erase the experiences they will have in a culture that will label and stereotype them as other or unusual or exotic or really smart because they're Asian.
Harlan is asking the kinds of questions that we should all be asking ourselves. Our children will inherit our cultural baggage, no way around that, and we'll be in a better position to help them work through it if we ask the critical questions, the uncomfortable questions.
For example, we should be asking ourselves questions about why we chose to adopt from China rather than to adopt one of the many African American boys who are available in the US? I believe this question is the subtext of many strangers who walk up and say, "Why China?"
Well, I'm out of thoughts here, but I'm really glad H-- posted this message because I think it opens up the kind of discussion we really need here. I look forward to hearing from you!
Rachel Stevens
From: Steve Forslind
Sent: Wednesday, April 10, 1996 1:11 PM
Subject: Re: Working through the issues
And people wonder "Why China?" Why NOT China? "Why adopt?" Why NOT adopt?
sunny@tiac.net (Steve Forslind)