Because of humanitarian considerations medical researchers have been looking into alternatives to using white rats in their experiments.
They have found an animal even better than rats for experimenting on --- lawyers. Their reasons:
They don't get as emotionally attached; There's more of them; and There are some things a rat just won't do.
An electronic engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and computers and internet, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and computers and internet, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an Engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there. Send him up here!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having an Engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.
God says, "Send him back up here or else I'll sue you."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?!"
The Bronze Rat
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display, he discovers a detailed, life sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, and a thousand dollars for the story behind it," says the shop keeper.
"You can keep the story, old man, but I'll take the rat," he replies.
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from the sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously he looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but everytime he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soons breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarn from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now, not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge, a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into the San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surge over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist. "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
* The Borg VS. Microsoft Windows *
PICARD "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
GEORDI "YES, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
GEORDI presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
RIKER looks puzzled. "What the heck is 'Microsoft'?"
DATA turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
PICARD "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
DATA "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
PICARD "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
DATA "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
GEORDI "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
PICARD "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
DATA "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."
RIKER "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
GEORDI, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
PICARD "Data, what do your scanners show?"
DATA "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
PICARD "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
RIKER "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"
GEORDI "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack.'"
PICARD "How much time will that buy us?"
DATA "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours."
GEORDI "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
PICARD "Identify."
DATA "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo."
OVER the speakers
THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS.
DATA "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
PICARD "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
RIKER "Good heavens captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
DATA "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."
RIKER and Picard together horrified "Lawyers!!"
GEORDI "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
DATA "True, but apparently some must have survived."
RIKER "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
DATA "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape.' It often proves fatal."
RIKER "They're tearing the Borg to pieces."
PICARD "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
[Nobody Loves a Lawyer...] A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me'."
A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows:
* Sautéed Tourist $10
* Braised Reporter $12
* Fried Diplomat $15
* Barbecued Lawyer $110
A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much. The headhunter replied, "If you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand."
* * * For another twist, Cannibal menu:
Fried Scientist brain...... $5/lb
Barbecued Reporter brain... $10/lb
Poached Tourist brain...... $20/lb
Scrambled Lawyer brain..... $200/lb
Q: Why the difference?
A: Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make one pound of brain??
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty: I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."
Lawyers and the Devil A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"
"They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth," replied the devil. "What's your second question?"
"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the lawyers' clock?"
Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. "Oh, yes!" he finally exclaimed. "We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."
The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.
What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad?
Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
The vultures will eat the skunk.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
Nobody wants to hit a skunk.
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Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers?
There are some things that would gag even a vulture.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. or Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
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What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure.
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What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
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How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
Because after they die, they lie still.
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. (Good! )
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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of feces?
The bucket.
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What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
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What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
Politicians and lawyers: Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?
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If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
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How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
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Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
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What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
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What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
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What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
One's slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.
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What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
Respect.
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What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common?
They're all slime.
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Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.
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Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability.
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What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer?
You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope-abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM.
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What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
He would starve to death.
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Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
Even hyenas have some dignity.
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What do you call an honest lawyer?
An impossibility.
One lawyer, provoked by the negativity directed at the legal profession from the medical profession, countered, "When we were writing the Constitution, you were still using leeches!"
Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a Dalmatian?
A Dalmatian knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.
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How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
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The lawyer said to his therapist, "When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?"
The therapist replied, "Maybe it just saves time."
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Client: I only have twenty dollars. Can I ask two questions?
Lawyer: Sure. What's the second question?
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I once went to a new town and asked the Chamber of Commerce if there were any Criminal lawyers in this town.
The reply was yes, but they can't seem to prove it.
An elderly woman went to a two-man law office for a bit of legal advice. She met with only one of the partners and, once her 30 minute session was over with, she thanked him and opened her wallet to pay his fee: $100. Unknowingly, she handed the attorney two $100 bills. The attorney took the money from his office to obtain a receipt, and discovered the two bills. The attorney paused as he found himself in quite a quandary: should he tell his partner?!
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
Sammy came home from first grade with his first homework assignment, which was to find the answer to "what is 2 + 2?".
He went to his father first because he was a mathematician. His dad said, "That seems to be from the theory of small sets, which I haven't used in a long time. I suspect that the answer is greater than 3, and will not exceed 5, even for extremely large values of 2. I'll write it in FORTRAN and run it through the computer at the college in the morning.
Sammy shook his head and went outside to think. His neighbor, the internist, was working in the yard. Sammy went over and asked, "Mr. Smith, what is 2 + 2?" Smith thought a while and then said, "I think it is 4, but we should run some tests, first. Can you make an appointment to see me at the office tomorrow and don't forget to bring your HMO card".
Sammy wasn't satisfied and he walked over to the other neighbor's house, where he (a lawyer) was washing his BMW. Sammy said, "Mr. Jones, what is 2 + 2?" Jones said, "My boy, since you are my little friend and neighbor, I will waive my usual consultation fee, this is strictly pro bono. But, be assured that justice will be served and the rights of the citizen to know will be upheld". Then he knelt down and whispered in Sammy's ear. "Sammy, what would you like it to be?"
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Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road, and a dead Lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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Q: What do Lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personality.
The Top Ten Things Never To Say To A Judge...
10. Any chance of you getting me off...?
9. Gosh, your chambers sure do look different with the lights on.
8. So does this mean I don't get the dope back?
7. How about a good spanking in lieu of community service?
6. But your honor, I simply couldn't help it. I always speed when I've been drinking.
5. Ito Ito bonito bonana fana bo bito...fe fi fo fito....
4. But my point is, she's over 18 NOW isn't she?
3. That's him, Your Honor! That's the policeman that took my stash!
2. I got your Penal Code right here!
1. No, no, no, Justice Scalia! Today you're supposed to be wearing the robe WITHOUT the hood.
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty in Law, But Aren't
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
Quotes taken from actual case records nationwide of our Lawyers in action, just earning that meager $1000/day in court:
1 ----Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2 ----Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases, he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3 ----Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: And did he kill you?
4 ----Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5 ----The youngest one, the 20-yr-old, how old is he?
6 ----Were you alone or by yourself?
7 ----How long have you been a French Canadian?
8 ----Do you have any pets, children, or anything of that kind?
9 ----Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask if you recognize this picture?
A: Yes. that's me.
Q: Were you present when this picture was taken?
10 ----Were you present in Court this morning, when you were being sworn in?
11 ----Q: Now, Ms. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death?
12 ----Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: Three months on November 8th.
Q: Then apparently, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at the time?
13 ----Q: Ms. Jones, are you an emotionally stable person?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14 ----So you were gone all that time, until you returned?
15 ----Q: She had 3 sons, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were girls?
16 ----You don't know what it looked like, what it was, how fast it was going, where it came from or where it was going, but can you describe it for us?
17 ----Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18 ----Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19 ----Q: Doctor, do you recall approximately the time that you examined Mr. Edington's body at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening; the autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead by that time, correct?
A: No you stupid S______! He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!!
20 ----One Texas attorney showed himself to be smarter than the average bear, and, realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question, interrupted himself and turned to the judge, "Your honor, I'd like to strike my next question."