Microsoft Jokes
(If
at first
you don’t succeed, you must be using Windows)
Updated 2000-10/10
The Black Box
http://www.jerrypournelle.com/alt.mail/kursk.html
This is the secret story of what really happened on the ill-fated Russian submarine.
GM vs Microsoft - Round 1
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought “Car95” or ”CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand
McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need
them nor
want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the
car’s
performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a
target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.
TOP 50 Oxy-Morons
50. Act natural
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Child proof
24. Now, then ...
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the Number one top OXY-Moron:
1. Microsoft Works
Microsoft TV Dinners
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT’S NEW TV DINNER-97 PRODUCT
You must first remove the plastic cover.
By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners.
You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner as this would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights
You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
Cooking Instructions:
For MS-DOS microwave oven users:
Insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//
Then enter: \\ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
For Mac microwave oven users:
Insert the dinner and press start. Press the OK button at the following questions:
Are you sure you want to start the oven?
Are you sure you want to cook the dinner?
Are you sure you want to eat the dinner?
The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
For Unix microwave oven users:
Insert the dinner
Enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label)
Enter the weight of the dinner
Enter the desired level of cooking
Press start.
The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.
(Note! Be sure NOT to use the -o flag. Otherwise the oven will cook everything OUTSIDE the oven, including yourself.)
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure:
If you have an MS-DOS oven, remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
\\ms.nogood/tryagain\again/again.dupe.
This process may have to be repeated.
In the event of further difficulty, try unplugging the oven and then doing a cold recook. If this doesn’t work, contact your microwave oven retailer.
Many diners have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your oven.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the MS Chicken variety is currently available. If you want another variety, call MS Help who will explain to you why you really don’t want another variety.
MS Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family (bloated) size.
Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promised a dessert with every dinner will be included with the next major upgrade, Dinner-98.
Diners have permission to salivate in advance.
Dinner-97 may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
Who’s on First . . . 1999
Costello: Hey, Abbot!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That’s great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium III-666, with 128 Megs of RAM, a 16 Gig hard drive,
and a
DVD-ROM.
Abbot: That’s terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don’t know what any of it means!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: That’s exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don’t know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you’re going to train
me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
should be
very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That’s true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn
it off.
What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start it.
So tell
me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn’t actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbot: Start.
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You don’t have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That’s not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don’t say, “Start!”
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to
press the
Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in
their
right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that’s what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don’t be ridiculous.
Costello: I’m being ridiculous? Well. I think it’s about time we
started this
conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
New Microsoft Product Announced
Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase,
copyright, and
upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably
enough,
“Microsoft God,” and would be available to consumers sometime in late
1998. Too
many people feel separated from God in today’s world,” said Dave
McCavaugh,
director of Microsoft’s new Religions division. “Microsoft God will
make our
Lord more accessible and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to
Him,
making Him not only easier to find, but
easier to communicate with.”
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including: Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.
Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.
Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer
their sins
to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product
will erase
itself from the user’s system and establish a clear line of
secure communications to the user’s Microsoft God server.
Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of
complimentary
products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the
functionality of
the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user
interface.
These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing
worshippers
to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the
previous
version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity,
Microsoft
Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism
(incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.
Competitor AOL denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satan, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.
Programmer #1: “I hear that if you play the Windows NT 4.0 CD
backwards, you
get a Satanic message!”
Programmer #2: “That’s nothing. If you play it forward, it installs
Windows NT
4.0!”
The 7 dwarves go off to the mine and leave Snow White at home.
Some time later there’s a huge explosion and Snow White goes rushing off to see what’s happened.
When she gets there all she can hear is this squeaky voice coming from down the mineshaft saying “Windows NT is the Operating System of the future”.
Thank God she says - at least Dopey is still alive !
Press Release
December 9, 1998
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that the official release date for the new operating system “Windows 2000” will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
Flying Around
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."
September 21, 1999 (Seattle) -- Microsoft announced today that it will provide office furniture with its software. The next release of Windows, code named Naugahyde, will include the Microsoft Chair at no extra charge.
“This is a natural for us,” a Microsoft spokesperson said. “We’ve conquered the desktop, so we’re looking at ways of expanding our installed base.” The spokesperson denied accusations that bundling constitutes an unfair competitive advantage. “We’re just listening to our customers. They’ve asked for more built in features, and who doesn’t use a chair when they’re at their computer? Especially when they’re waiting for Windows to reboot.”
Beta testers noted its large footprint and found the chair to lack substantial features found in most of the competition. But when asked if they dislike it enough to purchase another vendor’s furniture, most stated that they would just take what Microsoft had to offer.
Also in the works is a small seat, dubbed the Microsoft Stool, soon to be bundled with laptops. Beta testers were surprised to find the backless chair at their doorsteps. “Then again, this isn’t the first time we’ve received a shrink-wrapped stool sample from Microsoft,” noted one customer.
IF RESTAURANTS FUNCTIONED LIKE MICROSOFT!
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support. May I have your telephone number, area code first? Your visit may be monitored for purposes of quality control. Now, what seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Exit the restaurant and re-enter, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[Waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
----------
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
Note: Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be fixed with
Tomorrow's soup of the day)
The Top 14 New Features in Windows 2000
14. With optional metal probe, Microsoft’s “Explorer” now explores more
than
just web sites.
13.Recycle Bin inexplicably replaced with an angry monkey.
12.Built-in Excel macro calculates exactly how many times Bill Gates
can buy
your sorry assets.
11.Calls your mother every time you log into porn sites.
10.Now incompatible with all hardware and software, instead of just the
ones
that I buy.
9.Crumple Zones!
8.New “No Monopoly To See Here” background featuring a scrolling “Gee
you’re
looking very lovely today, Ms. Reno” message and a dewy-eyed Bill Gates
cursor.
7.Helpfully locates and destroys all non-Microsoft software on your
computer.
6.Illegal operation error message now includes WAV file saying “I can’t
do
that, Dave.”
5.Final installation screen displays the message: “Thank you for
upgrading to
Windows 2000. Windows will now restart your machine and render your
programs
useless.”
4.First 3,500 customers to purchase Windows 2000 receive 12 free hours
of
antitrust litigation from Microsoft lawyers!
3.Crashes twice as fast as Windows 98!
2.New “Gatesland, Gatesland uber alles” welcome screen.
and the Number 1 New Feature in Windows 2000...
1.Free technical support until 1901!