A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "You gotta relax. You're two tents."

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

(Thanks to Rosemary Kennett) 

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? -- Can you drive a French motorcycle?

IDIOS AMIGOS -- We're wild and crazy guys!

VENI, VIPI, VICI -- I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

COGITO EGGO SUM -- I think; therefore I am a waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS -- The cat is dead.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID -- Honk if you're Scottish.

QUE SERA SERF -- Life is feudal.

LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI -- The king is dead. No kidding.

POSH MORTEM -- Death styles of the rich and famous

PRO BOZO PUBLICO -- Support your local clown.

MONAGE A TROIS -- I am three years old.

FELIX NAVIDAD -- Our cat has a boat.

HASTE CUISINE -- Fast French food

VENI, VIDI, VICE -- I came, I saw, I partied.

QUIP PRO QUO -- A fast retort

ALOHA OY -- Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.

MAZEL TON -- tons of luck

APRES MOE LE DELUGE -- Larry and Curly got wet.

PORTE-KOCHERE -- Sacramental wine

ICH LIEBE RICH -- I'm really crazy about having bucks.

FUI GENERIS -- What's mine is mine.

VISA LA FRANCE -- Don't leave your chateau without it.

CA VA SANS DIRT -- And that's not gossip.

MERCI RIEN -- Thanks for nothin'!

AMICUS PURIAE -- Platonic friend

L'ETAT, C'EST MOO -- I'm bossy around here.

(Thanks to Jim Daly) 

Aside from the Year2000 effort we're all aware of, the year 2000 also brings out the Armageddon enthusiasts. We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. The following numbers are also significant...

665.9 - Approximate number of the Beast

DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast

0.666 - Number of the Millibeast

/ 666 - The Beast common denominator

666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast

1010011010 - Binary number of the Beast

6, uh... what was that number again? --- Number of the Blonde Beast

1-666 - Area code of the Beast

00666 - Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.

$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast

$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul

$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast

$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast

Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast

Route 666 - Highway of the Beast

666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast

666(k) - Retirement plan of the Beast

666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of the Beast

6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at the Beast Bank of Hell, $666 minimum deposit.

Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast

Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast

i66686 - CPU of the Beast

666i - BMW of the Beast

DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

668 The neighbor of the Beast

(Thanks to Jim Daly)

Back to Dr. Hume's home page