Texas Wisdom

1. Don’t squat with your spurs on.
2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
3. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin it back in.
4. If you’re ridin ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and to make sure it’s still there.
5. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’somebody else’s dog around.
6. After eatin’ an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along & shot him.... The moral; when you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
7. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
8. There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
9. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
10. Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
11. It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
12. Always drink upstream from the herd.
13. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
14. When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
16. There are three kinds of men: Those that learn by reading. Those that learn by observation. And the rest of us, that have to pee on the electric fence for ourselves.

I often say that “experience” is the thing you get, just after you really could have used it.
To wit...
The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head’s office. He’s a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him “Sir, What is the secret of your success?”
He said “two words”
“And, Sir, what are they?”
“Right decisions.”
“But how do you make right decisions?”
“One word.” he responded.
“And, sir, What is that?”
“Experience.”
“And how do you get Experience?”
“Two words”
“And, Sir, what are they?”
“Wrong decisions”

No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.
You can’t strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
When someone says, “Do you want my opinion?” - it’s always a negative one.
The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
The trouble with work is - it’s so daily.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
Scientists say one out of every four people is crazy. Check three friends; if they are OK, you’re it.
Pain and suffering are inevitable, but misery is optional.

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M”. Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100.
How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80?
Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages savings.

Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour.
Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:
A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback.
Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999:
A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects.
What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

It’s always darkest before dawn. So, if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you’re unique-just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
The things that come to those who wait are what’s left behind by those who got there first.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
If at first you don’t succeed, sky diving is not for you.
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Diplomacy is the art of saying “good doggie” while looking for a bigger stick.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away, and you have their shoes.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Always try to make other people happy, even if you have to leave them alone to do it.
The older you get, the better you get, (unless you’re a banana)

When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.